this is how i'll remember... 

 

the life journey...

"The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page"

- St. Augustine

it's sunday at 6am and i am freezing... my heart feels funny in the sense that it's beating, not fast, but not slow.. just beating, reminding me it's there... reminding me that we will be working as a team today.. 6:15... my stomach begins to turn... i quickly boil the water and burn my tongue on the not yet cooled oatmeal... i look as the dehydrated cranberries beginning to puff up and regain shape and wonder whether it was the best idea to add those in this morning... in my head i hear john stanton saying "don't do anything different on race day".. sorry john but i just couldn't handle another bland breakfast!! i sprinkle on a little more brown sugar and my heart begins to beat at an irregular pace... first fast, then slow, slow, slow as i remind myself that i've done this before...

6:30 as i creep out the door into the freezing cold darkness... all i see are headlights and the promise of a warm car... bustling in my black, shiny garbage bag with the hole cut out for my head, i shock my legs to life by sprinting to the open, welcoming door... sweet relief... we're on our way..

now it's 6:59 and in my head i silently count down the seconds until starbucks will finally unlatch their doors and allow in the mob of anxious, excited runners queing in for the bathroom... it's 8 degrees celsius and i'm wearing less than 40 inches of fabric under an old garbage bag... i am ready to get this over with...

7:15 and we're walking our way through the corrals... there is excitement in the air and it's contagious... out of the corner of my eye, i spot a green t-shirt and like a flash..  i remember why i'm here... i see her there, with her arms raised and her smile huge... i feel my hand reaching under my garbage bag to touch the purple, crystal butterfly around my neck... she is here too... i smile at my fellow team mates, who not too long ago were strangers... i smile to myself at the strangeness of life and how the loss of one can result in the joining of many... i lift up my garbage bag so they can see my shirt too and they smile in response... united, we are ready to begin...

the line begins to move forward and my mind begins to race... "don't get too excited", "don't start running until you hit the start mat"... "stick to your plan"... "when in doubt, think of Sarah"... the last thought lingers the longest and I forget to notice that my legs have started without me... i feel strong, i feel good.. i can do this...

2 hours, 32 minutes and the finish line is within my grasp... the rest of the race is like a blur of sun, music, sweat, excitement, pain, knees, pressure, thoughts, memories... i feel my mother grab my hand and scream at me to smile... on the sidelines i can hear my sister, her husband and some neighbours screaming my name, i can hear the announcer announcing my arrival and then the flash of what feels like a million cameras.... larry is there and he's hugging me and thanking me for doing this... there are tears in his eyes and before i know it, i too am crying... then i'm sobbing and i can't stand up... i think of her... i think of all the emotions that can sometimes come with physical exertion... i pull myself together...

i'm eating cookies and shoving bananas in a bag when i feel a tap on my shoulder... it's carmela and she has the biggest smile on her face... she has her smile... my knees feel weak but we hug and laugh and talk about how great we feel... around her neck i notice that she too holds a memory... we smile again and say our farewells... we are happy to be here but sad at what has brought us... we remember...

i meet up with the rest of my family and cheer on as many as i can before i feel myself freezing to death... this day has been long, and hard and full of emotion... it's 12:03 as i walk my tired, sweaty body the 4 more kilometres home...  i have done it again... i have done it for her.. and i will continue to until i can no longer feel my feet on the pavement...

Small condo spaces sometimes house ‘gentle giants’ - Yourhome.ca

Small condo spaces sometimes house ‘gentle giants’ - Yourhome.ca

This year I will once again be running the Toronto Scotiabank Waterfront Marathon (1/2) on behalf of my friend Sarah Grand (1984-2009).

Sarah was only with us for a short time, but it was a beautiful time full of happiness and great achievements! I will be thinking of you again this year as I cross the finish line. Sar! You are forever my inspiration...

"How could anyone ever tell you?
You were anything less than beautiful…
How could anyone ever tell you?
You were less than whole…

How could anyone fail to notice?
That your loving is a miracle…
How deeply you're connected to my soul…"

- Shaina Noll "How Could Anyone"

Photo credit: Larry Grand

" When someone dies, it feels like the hole in your gum when a tooth falls out. You can chew, you can eat, you have plenty of other teeth, but your tongue keeps going back to that empty place, where all the nerves are still a little raw"

- Jodi Picoult House Rules

crying out for calamari...

it is with great sadness that i report the death of the beloved "MUSA" restaurant on Dundas Street... and the end of my love affair with their amazing calamari....

after returning home from 10 days in Malta my taste buds were all revved up to embrace the Mediterranean diet on a full-time basis and i thought, what better way to celebrate then with a dish of my favourite Cajun calamari on a bed of roasted vegetables from my newly coveted favourite restaurant MUSA on Dundas West?!

well my plans were soon shattered when i opened the Toronto Star to learn that an apartment fire had spread to my new favourite haunt, on a path of destruction leaving only a shell of a restaurant in it's place and a mass of rubble..

"Part of the roof has caved into the bar, blackened insulation spills from the ceiling and crumbled gyprock litters the floor. Half a dozen lamps — Fleischman’s favourite part of the decor — lay smashed and twisted in the rubble." - Toronto Star, July 12, 2010

with no definite plans to rebuild, i'm left with a sense of sadness and a lurking growl in my stomach for what i can whole-heartedly claim was the best calamari i had ever had... RIP..

My last supper at Musa on June 25th, 2010