this is how i'll remember... 

 

internship...

hey, if you want to see how my internship is going... check out my tumblr http://simoneywhereru.tumblr.com/

the most dreamy, whimsical video i've seen in a long time... help isable lucas protect the coral sea... how can you say no?

today i have prom hair... or at least that's what i call it... basically it refers to your leftover hair the morning after an event (i.e., wedding, fundraiser, prom).. if you're lazy like me, this hair usually sticks around for at least another 12 hours after the initial event... yes, i realize that's gross... but its kind of nice to wake up and look like you've just breezed in from the salon... any previous frizz our excessive body has been tamed by your pillow and those tight Curly Sue ringlets have calmed into soft waves... come on, lets take a moment to savour this effortlessness.. (or at least pretend that you look as good as i made you sound..)
yesterday i watched yet another friend walk down the isle... the more weddings i attend the more confused i feel about marriage and weddings... i mean, i've been in a long term relationship for over 5 years.. and yet i have no great desire to donne the white dress and parlay down the aisle... maybe i wasn't born with that gene.. to be honest, the idea of so many people staring at me, cameras in hand, freaks the shit out of me... that aside, i'll admit that i genuinely "felt" something as she swished passed me in her layers of silk and tulle... regardless of the setting, there is something meaningful and almost epic in that moment... suddenly we aren't kids any more, dreaming about "growing up".. we are there in living colour...

the rest of the wedding was actually a lot of fun... aside from the genius post-ceremony kosher hot dogs and phad thai.. the amazing George St. Kitt's Orchestra rocked the house better than a Bon Jovi concert (honest).. had it not been Sunday, they would have had to drag me from the dance floor by my Comme Il Faut tango shoes..

regrets...

today i was reading an article in the toronto star that really got me thinking... about regrets...
regret is obviously, something i try to avoid, as most do... unfortunately, it tends to creep up on us every once and a while... the funny thing is, we're usually aware that we're going to regret something and yet choose to be powerless and let it happen anyways... i'm happy to say, that i really don't have that many regrets... except...

Footfalls echo in the memory down the passage which we did not take towards the door we never opened into the rose-garden. - T. S. Eliot

 my regret to sarah....

for every day that you are gone, i regret the things i could have done...

i regret that i wasn't there on the day you became my greatest inspiration... i regret not seeing you cross the finish line and not screaming your name and letting you know that i cared..

i regret not feeling the emotion of your life's greatest feat... i could have been there, and was not... i regret allowing fear to govern me, not believing in you and being afraid to see you fail... i regret not thinking it was a big deal...

the last day i saw you... i regret not hugging you longer or telling you how proud i was of you... i regret not taking more pictures, having more laughs, and sharing more stories... i regret rushing to get home...

i regret these things because i can't change them.. you are gone.. and all i have left is the regret..

Let's not burden our remembrance with a heaviness that's gone. - William Shakespeare

the life journey...

"The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page"

- St. Augustine

it's sunday at 6am and i am freezing... my heart feels funny in the sense that it's beating, not fast, but not slow.. just beating, reminding me it's there... reminding me that we will be working as a team today.. 6:15... my stomach begins to turn... i quickly boil the water and burn my tongue on the not yet cooled oatmeal... i look as the dehydrated cranberries beginning to puff up and regain shape and wonder whether it was the best idea to add those in this morning... in my head i hear john stanton saying "don't do anything different on race day".. sorry john but i just couldn't handle another bland breakfast!! i sprinkle on a little more brown sugar and my heart begins to beat at an irregular pace... first fast, then slow, slow, slow as i remind myself that i've done this before...

6:30 as i creep out the door into the freezing cold darkness... all i see are headlights and the promise of a warm car... bustling in my black, shiny garbage bag with the hole cut out for my head, i shock my legs to life by sprinting to the open, welcoming door... sweet relief... we're on our way..

now it's 6:59 and in my head i silently count down the seconds until starbucks will finally unlatch their doors and allow in the mob of anxious, excited runners queing in for the bathroom... it's 8 degrees celsius and i'm wearing less than 40 inches of fabric under an old garbage bag... i am ready to get this over with...

7:15 and we're walking our way through the corrals... there is excitement in the air and it's contagious... out of the corner of my eye, i spot a green t-shirt and like a flash..  i remember why i'm here... i see her there, with her arms raised and her smile huge... i feel my hand reaching under my garbage bag to touch the purple, crystal butterfly around my neck... she is here too... i smile at my fellow team mates, who not too long ago were strangers... i smile to myself at the strangeness of life and how the loss of one can result in the joining of many... i lift up my garbage bag so they can see my shirt too and they smile in response... united, we are ready to begin...

the line begins to move forward and my mind begins to race... "don't get too excited", "don't start running until you hit the start mat"... "stick to your plan"... "when in doubt, think of Sarah"... the last thought lingers the longest and I forget to notice that my legs have started without me... i feel strong, i feel good.. i can do this...

2 hours, 32 minutes and the finish line is within my grasp... the rest of the race is like a blur of sun, music, sweat, excitement, pain, knees, pressure, thoughts, memories... i feel my mother grab my hand and scream at me to smile... on the sidelines i can hear my sister, her husband and some neighbours screaming my name, i can hear the announcer announcing my arrival and then the flash of what feels like a million cameras.... larry is there and he's hugging me and thanking me for doing this... there are tears in his eyes and before i know it, i too am crying... then i'm sobbing and i can't stand up... i think of her... i think of all the emotions that can sometimes come with physical exertion... i pull myself together...

i'm eating cookies and shoving bananas in a bag when i feel a tap on my shoulder... it's carmela and she has the biggest smile on her face... she has her smile... my knees feel weak but we hug and laugh and talk about how great we feel... around her neck i notice that she too holds a memory... we smile again and say our farewells... we are happy to be here but sad at what has brought us... we remember...

i meet up with the rest of my family and cheer on as many as i can before i feel myself freezing to death... this day has been long, and hard and full of emotion... it's 12:03 as i walk my tired, sweaty body the 4 more kilometres home...  i have done it again... i have done it for her.. and i will continue to until i can no longer feel my feet on the pavement...

... a crisis of sorts..

Thar Desert

... i remember when i finished university everyone was talking about the "quarter life crisis"... apparently, this happened in your mid-20's when you finished your degree and had to make a decision on what you were going to do with the rest of your life... for some reason, i totally couldn't relate to this, i mean, i had decided to go to teacher's college, there was no crisis.. teaching was a viable career path and the rest would work itself out.. or so i thought...
...returning from school into an environment where every second person you meet is a teacher and jobs are more scarce than winning lottery tickets, this "quarter life crisis" has pushed itself to the centre of my life... every day feels like an internal struggle between trying to make a go of something that i'm interested in,  while teaching hangs out in the wings, and trying to pay the bills..  everyone around me seems to be settling into their careers and are working themselves up the corporate ladder, where as i find myself working in a job that doesn't interest me in the slightest...  daily i feel plagued with questions of how i got here and how i can move on from this.. i've tried to be productive by searching for jobs and applying for pretty much anything that sparks the slightest interest... but my efforts have resulted in either silence or a series of interviews where my lack of passion becomes all to apparent mid-conversation... how can i be passionate when i don't even know what i want?!
....at night i lay in bed and try and remember the girl that was so full of dreams.. in high school i had so many aspirations that my biggest concern was finding the time to fit it all in... i wanted to see the world first and foremost, to travel to places where others or, at least, few dared... i wanted to help people, to do something that would make my life have meaning long after i was gone... i wanted to spend a year as an artist on the streets of Paris, go camping in the Serengeti, work with kids in distant lands, live in many cities.. experience every thing life had to offer. I was so passionate about everything that i often had difficulty trying to focus that passion...
...being a teacher was never one of my dreams, but it seemed to encompass many of my interests.. i figured i wouldn't be just any teacher but rather, an extraordinary teacher... i would be inspired by some of the great teachers of my schooling and leave my imprint on the lives of others.. i came back from teacher's college so fueled with ideas and aspirations that i could barely contain myself... unfortunately, these aspirations were not shared by the employment climate.. so far, this endeavour has not been fruitful, but i have to hang on to the idea that it may the answer... perhaps where i belong..
i know people always say that things happen when they're supposed to.. but i hate to admit that my patience is running thin..

Summer turned to winter

And the snow it turned to rain

And the rain turned into tears upon your face

I hardly recognized the girl you are today

And god I hope it's not too late

It's not too late

'Cause you are not alone

I'm always there with you

And we'll get lost together

Till the light comes pouring through

'Cause when you feel like you're done

And the darkness has won

Babe, you're not lost

When your worlds crashing down

And you can't bear the thought

I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy

It can tear your soul apart

It can make you feel like you've gone crazy

But you're not

Things have seem to changed

There's one thing that's still the same

In my heart you have remained

And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone

And I am there with you

And we'll get lost together

Till the light comes pouring through

'Cause when you feel like you're done

And the darkness has won

Babe, you're not lost

When the worlds crashing down

And you can not bear the cross

I said, baby, you're not lost

I said, baby, you're not lost

I said, baby, you're not lost

I said, baby, you're not lost

- Michael Buble

This week I...

Got these..

Was guilty of...

Hung out with this cool cat..

Photo by Nicole/Rob

Ran 17K (on 2 separate runs)...

Mike Cheliak Photography Company

This week I...

Ate this at Harlem Underground...

before                                                                              after

Laughed at sleeping Lola ...

Was shocked by this amazing cover shoot..

Got these shoes for 70% off!

Watched this movie at Amsterdam Brewery...

(i'm actually seeing this tonight!)

Ran 23K (2 separate runs)...

This week I...

did NOT spot Michelle Williams, Sarah Silverman or Seth Rogan, despite the fact that they were filming "Take This Waltz" directly across the street from my house for 2 days straight...

Images from justjared

ate an entire bag of super Nibs.. again...

Had my orientations for TIFF and Nuit Blanche!

Ran 27K (spread out on 3 different runs)...

Drooled over this bike...

Image from curbside cycle

wrote on my blog while at work...

so this started off as a travel blog which was much more of a guilty pleasure as i told not a soul about it... and still haven't..
so in the spirit of guilty pleasures and needing a place to write, i return to you of faithful blog nearly 5 years down the road... let's reflect on what's changed!

1. graduated
so i suppose this should be a pretty massive achievement and yet, it seems almost irrelevant to even write here... i, like millions of others, completed my bachelors degree and quickly jumped into another degree in order to prolong my life as a student and avoid the much dreaded reality of the working world... well folks, i hate to break it to you.. but eventually that all comes to an end! despite the number of degrees you manage to notch on your belt, the real world undoubtedly catches up to you and brandishes you with its banality... two degrees later and I'm still working the same job... NEXT!

2. traveled
well this should be more exciting! (especially since this was meant to be a travel blog rather than a meaningless rant) post-quebec i continued my adventurous ways touring south america (chile, peru, ecuador), living in australia for a year, back packing through new zealand, southeast asia and hong kong, attending a wedding in england, touring scotland and iceland, taking in the flashy lights of las vegas and the infinite depths of the grand canyon, a few jaunts in NYC......
next............................. INDIA!

okay.. that sounded WAY more impressive after writing it down..

3. semi-permanent address
so the URL for this blog was my imperious search for a place that i may call home in this vast world.. and though i will never admit to finding this until i truly believe that i have deep in the core of my being, i will admit for the time being, that i am happily situated in the city of toronto with my wonderful and patient roomie who has foolishly decided to join my in this journey...

sadly... three points are all i can come up with.. hopefully i will see you again before 5 more years pass...

re-integration...

well this is always an interesting time... the time between when you get home from a trip and when you feel home... for me, this usually occurs at the halfway point of the amount of time i was away... so if i was away for a month, it would take about 2 weeks to feel re-integrated... but of course, there are always exceptions to this rule... every once and a while you will have an experience that you may never get over, and other times re-integration will happen much quicker... in my most recent journey to quebec for 6 weeks, within 3 days i was able to feel right back at home again... that may be because while in quebec i was still recovering from my re-integration from mexico, which, forever interrupted, may prove to be one of those trips i'll never get over... part of not getting over an experience, comes from the continuation of aspects in your old life, such as people, or habits... this is the case for me... but i don't view it as a negative thing in the least... having an experience stay with you in the long-term either through the friends you made and continue to keep close or by something new you may have brought back are what make these experiences so incredible, so worthwhile... so though i'm no longer spurting out random spanish phrases or gooping salsa over absolutely everything, i still hold some of the important things and people as close to my heart as i did when i was there and i hope to continue to do so... so maybe re-integration is not necessarily the best thing... maybe instead it should be called re-adjusting...

je me souviens

so just about nearing the end of this french adventure... funny how when you reflect on things near the end they seem to have gone by so quickly and yet reflecting at the beginning, things seem as though they might never end... bizzare..... anyways... this week markes the last week in this alternate french universe... it's funny what an impact language can have on a situation.... i mean 3pistoles is no monterrey and yet at times it felt just as foreign... and though i've only been here a fifth of the time i was in mex, to some degree it feels like the same amount of time... i've made some friends that i won't soon forget but at the same time i find myself wondering, "how is it that one can continue to live this sort of life of insecurity?"...

i've said many times in my life that i always wanted to continue travelling and that i couldn't see myself settled for a long time, if ever.... but as time wears on, my perspective has begun to change... eventhough wherever i go i manage to make incrediable friends, i've learned that there's nothing more difficult than realizing after you've made a certain connection, that you 're going to have to leave it.... and soon... try as i may it is unavoidable...

i told myself coming here that i was going to try and avoid becoming overly attached to people for that simple fear of again, having to let them go... for the most party i have achieved that but a few have managed to sneak through my radar... yes it's great to have international friends that give you the excuse and opportunity to travel, but it's also incrediably lonely realizing that though you may have a hundred more friends than the average person, you are utterly alone the majority of the time... sometimes i just feel so completely isolated... my friends, scattered as they are, seem to get the impression that i'm too busy on my exploits to have any time for them and they too begin to develope a life that seems to exclude me... in a way i alienate them into alienating me in return... this is not done (for the most part) through resentment, but rather just naturally and unconsciously... out and sight truely does become out of mind... and this is not something that necessarily can be prevented... i always thought i had created for myself a strong network of close friends that i could count on any time i was in need... and for the most part i believe i have... but there have been many times where i felt as though i had no one to talk to and as a result have found myself turning to a stranger... now this is much more exhausting as it requires more explainations, but i've found that it can also be incrediably rewarding... finding someone you barely know that you can actually trust can build the foundations to some of my strongest relationships... that fearless openning up and exposing your insecurities to the scrutiny of the harsh world can actually bring you closer to a stranger... this has become a major part of my new philosophy... i've realized that many of the walls that stand between people, come from the fear of judgement... but these walls can slowly be broken down by the simple act of honesty and trust... the results are truely shocking.... so when asked if i learned anything on this latest journey, my answer is yes.... forever learning... now, which language should i attempt next??

in transit...

so here i am, yet again... about to embark on yet another one of my crazy adventures... though this time it doesn't seem quite as outlandish as mexcio... but it still has it's charm...

i'm now on my way to trois-pistoles, quebec and not really knowing what to expect... i guess the thrill is always there for me... as if i didn't learn my lesson the first time around... anyways, to the land of maple syrup i run, to a place where not many non-french speaking anglophones would dare to enter... people keep asking me why i am putting myself to this test after just returning from my spanish conquest... my response is, why not? why should i simply sit back and watch in awe as the rest of the world continues in the many other non-english languages that exist out there... why should i be so ignorant as to expect others to conform to the bully that is the english language rather than meet them half way...? this is why i am here... yes, it is true i need this credit to go towards my university degree, but it's also the challenge that sparks my interest...

now when embarking on one of these sorts of programs there are many things to put into perspective... first of all... you do not speak the language of the people who will ultimately surround you... now this is more frightenning than people realize... imagine you are in horrible pain and the people around you really want to help you but you can not express to them what you are feeling (as you know i've experienced this first hand)... or someone pays you a kind gesture and you are not able to express your thanks... it is extremely frustrating but also extremely motivational... it is situations like these that make communication not only a factor but a necessary factor...

yes this will be a challenge for me... once again creating for myself a foundation where i can feel comfortable to learn and grow... a foundation that ultimately i will have to leave... which brings me to what i believe to be the most difficult challenge of such an adventure... how do you walk away after everything you've gone through? through all of the difficult times and hard work it doesn't seem fair that you must eventually give it all up... well thankfully you never completely give it all up... whether you realize it or not, a part of this experience will stay with you and will create another dimention of you that you never thought possible... each journey is a beginning that may seem to have an end but really is just a stepping stone to the next journey...

here i go again...