love is...

...never wanting to say.... "get off my pillow!"

it's sunday at 6am and i am freezing... my heart feels funny in the sense that it's beating, not fast, but not slow.. just beating, reminding me it's there... reminding me that we will be working as a team today.. 6:15... my stomach begins to turn... i quickly boil the water and burn my tongue on the not yet cooled oatmeal... i look as the dehydrated cranberries beginning to puff up and regain shape and wonder whether it was the best idea to add those in this morning... in my head i hear john stanton saying "don't do anything different on race day".. sorry john but i just couldn't handle another bland breakfast!! i sprinkle on a little more brown sugar and my heart begins to beat at an irregular pace... first fast, then slow, slow, slow as i remind myself that i've done this before...

6:30 as i creep out the door into the freezing cold darkness... all i see are headlights and the promise of a warm car... bustling in my black, shiny garbage bag with the hole cut out for my head, i shock my legs to life by sprinting to the open, welcoming door... sweet relief... we're on our way..

now it's 6:59 and in my head i silently count down the seconds until starbucks will finally unlatch their doors and allow in the mob of anxious, excited runners queing in for the bathroom... it's 8 degrees celsius and i'm wearing less than 40 inches of fabric under an old garbage bag... i am ready to get this over with...

7:15 and we're walking our way through the corrals... there is excitement in the air and it's contagious... out of the corner of my eye, i spot a green t-shirt and like a flash..  i remember why i'm here... i see her there, with her arms raised and her smile huge... i feel my hand reaching under my garbage bag to touch the purple, crystal butterfly around my neck... she is here too... i smile at my fellow team mates, who not too long ago were strangers... i smile to myself at the strangeness of life and how the loss of one can result in the joining of many... i lift up my garbage bag so they can see my shirt too and they smile in response... united, we are ready to begin...

the line begins to move forward and my mind begins to race... "don't get too excited", "don't start running until you hit the start mat"... "stick to your plan"... "when in doubt, think of Sarah"... the last thought lingers the longest and I forget to notice that my legs have started without me... i feel strong, i feel good.. i can do this...

2 hours, 32 minutes and the finish line is within my grasp... the rest of the race is like a blur of sun, music, sweat, excitement, pain, knees, pressure, thoughts, memories... i feel my mother grab my hand and scream at me to smile... on the sidelines i can hear my sister, her husband and some neighbours screaming my name, i can hear the announcer announcing my arrival and then the flash of what feels like a million cameras.... larry is there and he's hugging me and thanking me for doing this... there are tears in his eyes and before i know it, i too am crying... then i'm sobbing and i can't stand up... i think of her... i think of all the emotions that can sometimes come with physical exertion... i pull myself together...

i'm eating cookies and shoving bananas in a bag when i feel a tap on my shoulder... it's carmela and she has the biggest smile on her face... she has her smile... my knees feel weak but we hug and laugh and talk about how great we feel... around her neck i notice that she too holds a memory... we smile again and say our farewells... we are happy to be here but sad at what has brought us... we remember...

i meet up with the rest of my family and cheer on as many as i can before i feel myself freezing to death... this day has been long, and hard and full of emotion... it's 12:03 as i walk my tired, sweaty body the 4 more kilometres home...  i have done it again... i have done it for her.. and i will continue to until i can no longer feel my feet on the pavement...

TIFFtacular!

so i am in full swing TIFF mode... it's not just the celebrities parties, and premieres, but just the excitment in the air! the feeling that wow, Toronto really is the place to be right now!

this year is my 3rd year of attending TIFF and my 1st as a volunteer... though i'm legally bound to secrecy regarding my insider information, what i can share is that there is A LOT that goes into this festival.. pressure is on and tensions are high back stage as theatre reps coordinate "talent", over 2,000 volunteers and staff, industry and, of course, you, the audience... venues are at capacity and people are lining the blocks outside hoping to get lucky on a rush seat!

for the last few days, my mind, ears and eyes have been filled with camera flashes, celebrity sightings, lineups and, of course, films... eye drops are my new favorite accessory as my films per day quota continues to increase... i've seen a Britsih black comedy, a heart-wrentching documentary, a teen thriller and bits and pieces of a French murder mystery and yet another documentary... most have reflected the exciting originality and creativity not often represented in the typical hollywood blockbuster and what makes TIFF such an exciting event... with new talent emerging and risky subjects explored, the excitement of being part of something "up and coming" is difficult to ignore..

though i'm sad that there are only 4 more days left of the festival, i think i'll be relieved the day my head gets to hit the pillow before midnight...

Image: Karon Liu

the in between...

the time between travels is probably one of the most difficult times for me.. hanging on to the last shreds of carefree freedom... trying to keep my spirits up while getting back into the banality of work...  living through photographs and journal entries... planning the next trip... in the last few years, the time in between trips seems to be growing as the time away shrinks...

for a while it seemed as though nothing interesting was happening in my life... i was alive, but i wasn't actually living... it's bad enough not having a career in an economy-driven world, but not having a purpose.. that was something that i was not willing to succumb to... i started to think about what i could do to fill the void that seemed to be engulfing me... i took suggestions about volunteering, or reuniting with a past hobby.. one friend recommended "working out".. at least you'll be skinny she pointed out...

i'm trying to remember when it happened.. when i started to notice things piling up, one on top of the other until my calendar began to look like schizophrenic nightmare.. i started running again, picked up the paint brush.... i remembered my passion for writing and photography... i bought myself a new journal... i revisited this blog.. a friend pointed me towards cultural websites where volunteer opportunities in toronto were posted...

suddenly i was.. i AM.. involved... and have appointments, orientations, assignments and THINGS in my life again!!

scheduling conflicts are my latest burden is (why does everyone choose the SAME day for mandatory training?!?!) but at least i'm not bored... and i definitely feel like i'm serving some sort of purpose..

life still isn't perfect.. and perhaps it never will be.. but at least the "in between" is seeming less and less unimportant...

today is my favourite day in life... the first day of school... sigh..

Breakfast

mellowing out in mendoza..

anthropologie recently released their september catalogue and i have to admit, my heart skipped a beat when i discovered that it was shot in ARGENTINA (Mendoza, no less)!!

as if i needed any encouragement getting excited about my upcoming trip to the land of mate, gauchos and dulce de leche.. the last time i was there, i believe i was 15 or 16 years old so i'm curious to return after a decade of absence..

these images speak to the stunning, yet rugged, nature of the argentine landscape speckled with the famous Criollo caballos.. enjoy and be taken away...

(larger better quality images can be found on the anthropologie website)

Photos courtesy of anthropologie.com

... a crisis of sorts..

Thar Desert

... i remember when i finished university everyone was talking about the "quarter life crisis"... apparently, this happened in your mid-20's when you finished your degree and had to make a decision on what you were going to do with the rest of your life... for some reason, i totally couldn't relate to this, i mean, i had decided to go to teacher's college, there was no crisis.. teaching was a viable career path and the rest would work itself out.. or so i thought...
...returning from school into an environment where every second person you meet is a teacher and jobs are more scarce than winning lottery tickets, this "quarter life crisis" has pushed itself to the centre of my life... every day feels like an internal struggle between trying to make a go of something that i'm interested in,  while teaching hangs out in the wings, and trying to pay the bills..  everyone around me seems to be settling into their careers and are working themselves up the corporate ladder, where as i find myself working in a job that doesn't interest me in the slightest...  daily i feel plagued with questions of how i got here and how i can move on from this.. i've tried to be productive by searching for jobs and applying for pretty much anything that sparks the slightest interest... but my efforts have resulted in either silence or a series of interviews where my lack of passion becomes all to apparent mid-conversation... how can i be passionate when i don't even know what i want?!
....at night i lay in bed and try and remember the girl that was so full of dreams.. in high school i had so many aspirations that my biggest concern was finding the time to fit it all in... i wanted to see the world first and foremost, to travel to places where others or, at least, few dared... i wanted to help people, to do something that would make my life have meaning long after i was gone... i wanted to spend a year as an artist on the streets of Paris, go camping in the Serengeti, work with kids in distant lands, live in many cities.. experience every thing life had to offer. I was so passionate about everything that i often had difficulty trying to focus that passion...
...being a teacher was never one of my dreams, but it seemed to encompass many of my interests.. i figured i wouldn't be just any teacher but rather, an extraordinary teacher... i would be inspired by some of the great teachers of my schooling and leave my imprint on the lives of others.. i came back from teacher's college so fueled with ideas and aspirations that i could barely contain myself... unfortunately, these aspirations were not shared by the employment climate.. so far, this endeavour has not been fruitful, but i have to hang on to the idea that it may the answer... perhaps where i belong..
i know people always say that things happen when they're supposed to.. but i hate to admit that my patience is running thin..

Summer turned to winter

And the snow it turned to rain

And the rain turned into tears upon your face

I hardly recognized the girl you are today

And god I hope it's not too late

It's not too late

'Cause you are not alone

I'm always there with you

And we'll get lost together

Till the light comes pouring through

'Cause when you feel like you're done

And the darkness has won

Babe, you're not lost

When your worlds crashing down

And you can't bear the thought

I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy

It can tear your soul apart

It can make you feel like you've gone crazy

But you're not

Things have seem to changed

There's one thing that's still the same

In my heart you have remained

And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone

And I am there with you

And we'll get lost together

Till the light comes pouring through

'Cause when you feel like you're done

And the darkness has won

Babe, you're not lost

When the worlds crashing down

And you can not bear the cross

I said, baby, you're not lost

I said, baby, you're not lost

I said, baby, you're not lost

I said, baby, you're not lost

- Michael Buble